Killing Adam
Hayden Smith

Cars make me uncomfortable. Somehow associations have been created, feelings followed by images, high-pitched male voices and picture books with BMWs. Shocks, transmission, horsepower—these words spill from my lips unnaturally, clashing discordantly. There is no particular hostility I sense in these words—only schism.
My friend’s flaccid penis, followed by accusations of homosexuality, followed by laughter, followed by further limpness. Impotent. In the father’s name we pray, Amen.
I seek violent art and passive news.
I read Fight Club like the bible.
I’ve dated mothers.
When I was in high school I would punch the wall when angry. Now, I cut my hair.
I joke about death. Dead animals make me cry.

I screamed for the first time in years. Penetrating the walls of my house, my parents rushing out of the house, expecting to see me with missing limbs. Nope. After screaming, I was drained, but still somehow fulfilled in a sickening way. In ritual, I lit a cigarette.
My dad was as silent as me. I am stoic as my father. Composed, guarded, responsible, provider—not me, by the way, my father is true. I’m funhouse mirror reflection.
I’m Oedipissed. Role-seeking, co-dependent, emotionally available for completely engulfing the emotions of those I know best. I screamed because she was unfaithful. Body has one too many openings. Pets piss the bed, collar her. Let sexual beings free. It’s not her first, coarse under the surface.

Unsuccessful conformity is a prominent narrative. I learned defiance. I learned rebellion. I seek to be the nuisance that I feel I am.
Want to Rambo, want to fight, want to kill, want to verb in general.
When I didn’t have scissors to chop off my hair in the most dramatic moment of my life, I drove to a drug store. Stop being called a “fag” for $10.00 or less. Admittedly, a flawed theory.
More Drake than Tupac.
In this case, when the umbilical cord was cut, both mother and son died. Relationship status: Parasitic.
The Washington Monument makes me feel inadequate. And cars still make me uncomfortable.