Mending the Cerebral Break
Jennifer Repka

Synopsis:

A minor Elder God is trying to mend the broken reputation that its kind has gained over the millennia. All for the inconceivable goal of friendship.

Setting:

A podcast you cannot stop playing or erase. It exists because it wants to. It plays when it wishes, where it wishes. It goes away only when it decides it’s over. Till then you are trapped, enraptured. You must listen. You must hear its compelling message.

Characters:

Kazitlionotep (kAZ-eet-Lee-OH-NO-tep) – An oddly friendly Eldritch abomination who wants to build a connection between mortals and Elder Gods by possessing Phil and creating a podcast. Voice can range anywhere from a high glass-shattering squeak to a low earthquake-spawning growl. Though it tries to keep its voice in check (comparatively) as Phil’s body is easily breakable. Believes everyone has or will have a dog as they are man’s best friend. It wants to be that best friend, and will do whatever it can to be so. Catch phrase: “If you do not have a dog, I can be your dog till you get one!”

Phil – The poor sound board engineer who is being possessed by the Elder God. His is the voice in the opening narration, in his usual tone. Tries to call for help by sending out warnings through the broadcast using anything from Morse Code to Binary.

Phil’s Boss – A grizzled older man. Used to be a radio producer before his station took a hit. Constantly shuts down the show prematurely due to the expenses of running an eternal podcast. He is the only one with the power to shut down the show, and the Elder God knows Phil needs his job to make the show.

Phil’s Girlfriend – Likes that Phil seems more open and happy lately. Concerned about why her boyfriend isn’t home at the usual time. Is also concerned as to why Phil doesn’t talk or sound quite right. Is nonconfrontational yet determined to figure out what is wrong. Calls during the show sometimes.

 

First Episode: Dogs

*Opening Narration.*

“Welcome to a sound unfamiliar. A strange feeling of warmth that runs through your body as the sound fills your ears. You are not certain where the sound is coming from, but you know it is somewhere near where you currently are. Perhaps . . . on your phone? . . . This is Mending the Cerebral Break.”

Kazitlionotep: HELLLOOOOOOO! *The Elder God’s voice comes in as an unnaturally intense squeal so loud it creates a horrid feedback shrill from its microphone.* GAH! OW! *Another shrill as Kazitlionotep cries.* OWWWW! *Another.*

*Quiet, distant muttering.*

Kazitlionotep: Stupid mortal-made torture machines . . . Hellooo mortals and not-so-mortals! It is I, . . . *Static.* Also known as the First and Middle One, the Great Mass, the One Who Lies In Darkened Corners, The Only . . . Kazitlionotep! *Fanfare sound effect.*

Kazitlionotep: Coming to you fully formed and at great frequency! Today on our first ever live broadcast of Mending the Cerebral Break, I will be discussing something I know most hue-mans love! Something that is considered their greatest most fantastic best friend, the dog! *Sound of audience cheering.*

Kazitlionotep: Now I’m not sure if many of you in the other dimensions know, but dogs are considered man’s best friend. I did some research while rummaging through people’s homes and found out at least one person in every home has a dog. While some might not have this furry friend, it is my belief someday they will! In order to get more information on this symbiotic relationship between human and dog, I attempted an interview with one inside its natural habitat. This dog I saw through an open window was very friendly! GET THIS! *Single dog squeak, then silence.*

Kazitlionotep: Ahem! I climbed in and went to pet it as a sign of friendship. Then its hair rose up and it bit me! SUPER hard! I screamed “GOOD BOY,” as is custom, and patted its head as it kept on gnawing at my now oozing hand!

*In the background a series of barely audible beeps and clicks.*

.... . .-.. .--. / .. .----. -- / - .-. .- .--. .--. . -.. / .. - .----. ... / -. --- - / --

Kazitlionotep: The hooman who owned the house came running into the room while I was still screaming in pain “GOOD BOY! WHAT A GOOD DOG! WHAT A CUTE BOY!” at the dog. Then the hooman started yelling at me, with the dog still on my hand! I was so bewildered . . . I . . . WHA! OH!

.... . .-.. .--.

*Sound of phone ringing.*

Kazitlionotep: OOOH . . . Ahem! Hello, Samantha! What a surprise, hearing from you!

Samantha: Phil? Are you all right?

Kazitlionotep: Yes!

Samantha: OK, just . . . You didn’t come home at your usual time . . . What are you doing?

Kazitlionotep: The show! What are you doing?

Samantha: Just checking, making sure you’re OK. When do you think you’ll be home?

Kazitlionotep: I don’t know! Probably never! . . . Haha! It’s a joke! Home will be after the show!

Samantha: Ha . . . *She laughs awkwardly.* All right, I will see you then!

Kazitlionotep: Yes!

Samantha: And, Phil? I love you.

.. / .-.. --- ...- . / -.-- --- ..- / - --- --- --..-- / ... .- -- .- -. - .... .-

Kazitlionotep: OK! Bye, friend! *Sound of an old flip phone being shut.*

Kazitlionotep: What a good person! Better than the one who kept screaming at me as I started to kick the dog off me! Wow! That dog was a good friend! Very strong! When I finally got the dog off, I escaped through the window and calmly walked away . . . fast! Really fast! So fast it was a run! A brisk run walk! *Pause.*

Kazitlionotep: In conclusion, I have gathered that dogs are very good defenders and friends. They protect their chosen hue-mans very well! And someday I hope all people can find a friend like that. I know I want to! Anyway, since this is the first episode and I’m too tired to dive into the brains of mortals, we don’t have time for any questions! Thank you to everyone who was able to listen. Thank you for doing so! I hope . . .

*Sound of door slamming against open wall.*

Boss: Phil! What did I tell you about using the studio after hours?!

Kazitlionotep: Oh! It’s Boss! Hello, Boss!

Boss: Yeah, hi. What are you doing? Get out!

Kazitlionotep: The show is just about done! Do you want to say anything, Boss? You’re voice is great!

Boss: Not really . . . *He sighs.* Just stop and get out. You know I can’t afford your overtime.

Kazitlionotep: Yup, yup! You all heard Boss! The final phrase today is this. If you have a dog, appreciate it for the friend it is! If you do not have a dog, I can be that till you get one!